Looking for your next read? Welcome to Bazaar Book Chat, an inside look at our editors’ Slack channel, where we candidly review the latest literary releases.
Rosa Sanchez (senior news editor)
Hi @here! Welcome to another edition of Bazaar Book Chat. This February, we read Crush, by Ada Calhoun. The story follows a woman as she navigates complicated feelings of guilt, love, and desire after her husband asks to open their marriage. In the end, she finds a lot more than she ever thought possible.
*Warning: This review includes spoilers
Rosa Sanchez
What caught your eye at the start of the book, when we first learn of the narrator’s husband wants to open the marriage? Any red flags or foreshadowing?
Ariana Marsh (senior features editor)
I think just knowing that he had never really contributed financially to their marriage (and raising their son) gave me pause from the jump and made me question how he navigated their relationship.
❗️1
Sarah Olivieri (senior designer)
From the beginning, I didn’t see her and Paul as well-matched partners. They didn’t align on what they wanted in terms of family size, on financials, or interests.
Ariana Marsh
And when he asked her to open their marriage because he was into hearing about her kissing other men, not because she’d expressed that desire, was a red flag.
❗️4
Sarah Olivieri
In the beginning, it really did seem like something he was doing because it excited him and not from a guilty place—though it grew into that.
💯2
Rosa Sanchez
Absolutely. As soon as the husband brought up the open relationship concept despite our narrator not being interested in it at all, I knew there would be drama. And all the comments he continued to make about it felt a bit cringe; I thought he had to be hiding something. And he was! But as soon as it became clear she was getting more from the arrangement, he hated it.
❗️2
Ariana Marsh
Totally. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, but it doesn't seem like he wanted that for his wife. And knowing that she had essentially financed their family and taken on a disproportionate amount of the domestic labor made me 🤢.
💯3
Joel Calfee (assistant editor)
I also feel like its made clear in the beginning that they only work for certain reasons. She says they’re compatible sexually, and they don’t fight very often, etc. But then it’s clear he’s not paying attention to her needs artistically, or to the fact that she’s overwhelmed by essentially being the sole breadwinner. I feel like from the get-go, this book is trying to show us how we often sacrifice certain things for relationships that we think should work, or maybe ones we just really want to work, and in the end it’s not tenable.
💯4
Rosa Sanchez
It’s really very tragic how common this is, too.
❗️1
So, after deciding to go along with the open marriage thing, the narrator makes out with a friend, and then she eventually gets in touch with an old acquaintance, David, and they begin to write to each other—first once a day, then every hour of every day. When did you guys realize the narrator was getting in too deep with her pen pal, David, and becoming obsessed/infatuated/falling in love?
Kristina Ang (senior video coordinator)
When she started to feel things for him beyond just being pen pals—like being physically with him and being held by him and whatnot.
👆2
Joel Calfee
Lol, I knew it was over for that diva the minute she was like “these emails sustain me.”
😭2 😂1
Ariana Marsh
And when she started to express how understood and seen she felt and how fulfilling and exciting it was to be corresponding with someone who was into the same literature as she was, while also exposing her to new things.
❗️2
Sarah Olivieri
For me, I think it was the advent calendar they shared, and in general the lead-up to their California trip. I think she had all the intention at first to keep this separate from her real/local life, but as soon as they agreed to see each other, she was just so excited, I knew it was done.
❗️2
Joel Calfee
How every aspect of her life started getting better... she couldn’t think about anything except those emails. Oh, I’ve been there.
❗️2 😂2
Rosa Sanchez
You’ve fallen in love over EMAIL? How old-school of you.
😂1
Joel Calfee
WORSE! Facebook Messenger! High school was a dark time.
😭2
Rosa Sanchez
I’m crying.
Kristina Ang
It was instagram DMs for me.
😭1 😂2
Rosa Sanchez
For me if was when her language changed. She starts off forcing herself to be fair and loyal—to the point of sacrificing her own needs—to her husband, Paul, and making excuses for him at every turn even though no one asked!! And after a while of speaking to David, her language in describing how she feels about and around Paul changes.
❤️4
But ditto on the DMs.
😅2
Kristina Ang
So, obviously she had deep feelings for David that were like, emotional and spiritual, but I also feel like our protagonist kind of craved the chase and this concept of “the crush.” I know we’ve all had that feeling of what it’s like to have a crush on someone and the build-up of a relationship. I felt like that played a big part in all of this.
❗️3
Rosa Sanchez
No totally. I actually worried that if she did leave it all for David, it wouldn’t work out, because sometimes we just like chasing the idea of someone.
❗️1
Joel Calfee
YES!! Kristina, I related to that so hard, because I’m often questioning whether I love the person or love the chase.
❗️2
Kristina Ang
YES^^^
Rosa Sanchez
And the concept of the crush is interesting, because in long relationships, the desire aspect of love sometimes fades.
💯1
Joel Calfee
And the fact that she talks about how their marriage always seemed like a given from the beginning—it sounds like there weren’t a lot of unexpected sparks in their relationship, it all felt very rote.
💯1
Rosa Sanchez
And Paul never kissed her. 😔
❗️1
Kristina Ang
I mean, he was straight up trolling with that.
😂2
Joel Calfee
Hahaha
Ariana Marsh
The not kissing is crazy!!
❗️2
Joel Calfee
Like... if my husband doesn’t kiss me, he’s getting the Gone Girl treatment.
😂3
Kristina Ang
My take from being in a long-term relationship right now (obviously I’m not married), but we do things to keep the spark and the “desire” alive. I think there just wasn’t enough communication about what they wanted from each other in the relationship and ultimately that was why it wasn’t successful... But also because Paul’s a cheater! (Did he give a reason for cheating?)
❗️1
Rosa Sanchez
He did not. And what a loser. It made me think like, is that why he wanted to explore polyamory? So he could excuse his infidelity from way before? That’s not how it works.
Kristina Ang
YESSS! That is what it is!
Sarah Olivieri
YES!! I think it became a way to relieve his guilt.
👆2
Joel Calfee
I think this book is so perfect for this moment because so many more people are being open about exploring polyamory. But something I hear all the time is that it can often be disastrous when it’s suddenly introduced later on in a relationship. Like, if it’s not negotiated early, it can cause resentment or be a result of something underlying that’s gone undiscussed.
🔥2 💯1
And to everyone’s point, I think it’s interesting that Paul suddenly brings it up at this stage of their marriage, but I don’t know what everyone else thinks!
Rosa Sanchez
I agree. Everyone seems to be doing it, but not always for the right reasons.
❗️1
Despite all the evidence that monogamy is not natural, lol, I’ve never been a big fan of open relationships, because I can’t wrap my head around them being totally fair toward everyone. In this case, the polyamory was Paul’s idea, but then when our narrator starts to fall in love with someone else, Paul gets jealous and starts to retaliate. Still, I think opening that marriage only made the issues come to the surface, it wasn’t what caused them.
❗️1
Kristina Ang
I’m in that same boat! Not a fan for myself, at least.
👯♀️1
Sarah Olivieri
I do think without the open marriage situation/falling for David, she would’ve lived the rest of her life with Paul despite this really not being the best fit for either of them, so kind of a blessing?
👆3
Not on the topic of the question, but I feel the need to add that the Tom Hanks references were random.
😭3
Rosa Sanchez
WHAT was that. Did he sponsor the book?
❗️1 😂1
Sarah Olivieri
And also not a consistent part, just like thrown in every 50 pages.
😂1
Joel Calfee
SO random, haha, like he’s her pen pal and he’s obsessed with her? I feel like she just loved his movies and wanted to throw that in, lol.
😅1
Kristina Ang
The way I had to look up Tom Hanks because I didn’t know what he looked like.
Rosa Sanchez
STOP IT. You’re so young.
😅1
Joel Calfee
Kristina WHAT.
🤭1
Sarah Olivieri
Kristina...
😂2
Ariana Marsh
On a different note (lol), it was also interesting to me how deeply the narrator dove into poetry and literature to try and find something that described what she was feeling about David. Like, the author’s research / knowledge of past works is insane! I was impressed by that.
👆3
Rosa Sanchez
YES! I did read that the author had an office in the New York Public Library while writing this and called in every book that had Love in the title, which is wild.
😲2
Ariana Marsh
WOW. That’s amazing.
Rosa Sanchez
Everyone’s been trying to make sense of relationships since the beginning of time, lol.
Joel Calfee
This book read SO much like a memoir/book of essays in my opinion, for that reason.
💯1
Sarah Olivieri
At first that kind of bothered me—like who is writing this book, our author or 100 of them? But then I started to find it all really charming, and I’m going to whip out some of these references for sure to impress people in the future.
😂1
Rosa Sanchez
Hahaha.
Ariana Marsh
Lol! I also think it helped us understand why she and David were such an intellectual match.
❗️3
Kristina Ang
Paul could never.
❗️3
Ariana Marsh
NEVER! Paul dying for her to read Polysecure and throwing a tantrum about it.
😭1
Rosa Sanchez
OMG, that was the end of him for me. Like, ENOUGH, SIR.
Ariana Marsh
I giggled.
😅1 😂1
Sarah Olivieri
Agreed, I really found the entire “how to spend retirement” discussion so jarring. I was like, Wow, these two are not it, get out.
❗️1
Rosa Sanchez
Their totally different versions of the future made me kind of sad.
Not Sandals. [Paul makes a comment about wanting to visit an island resort, Sandals, when he retires.]
😂2
I think for narrator girl, David becomes a symbol for progress and improvement, and a step in the direction of the person she wants to be, whereas Paul is her youth, her family, and her past—and she outgrew him.
💯2
Joel Calfee
100%
Ariana Marsh
Totally. And that’s ... okay! I like how this book also addressed generational shame around divorce. And how in the end her mom was just like do what’s right for you.
❤️3 ❗️2 💖1
Rosa Sanchez
Yes, totally. Speaking of, does her dad’s lack of love in her life play a part in how she handles her relationships with these two men? With her own son?
Ariana Marsh
Based on what I have learned in therapy, yes. 😂
😭2
Rosa Sanchez
Girl. Retweet.
Ariana Marsh
She was so used to catering toward her dad and not expecting a ton in return, that I think it was normalized.
💯2
They way she catered to Paul definitely bore some resemblance to her relationship with her dad.
Sarah Olivieri
I think she wants to be the absolute best parent to Nate because that’s maybe not what she had. And she wants to support Paul’s dreams (like her dad didn’t support hers). But I feel like with David, she didn’t have to do any of that, and that was a relief to her and maybe her solace.
❗️2
Ariana Marsh
100%
Rosa Sanchez
Yes!! So agree. Her taking care of her dad even though he admits he doesn’t have the capacity to love her, carries on into her loyalty and duty to Paul and Nate. And when she lets her dad go and accepts their relationship for what it was, she is also able to give into her love for and new life with David.
❤️3
Joel Calfee
With regards to her dad, I also thought it was interesting that there’s a generational pattern of the husbands’ artistic pursuits taking precedence over the wives’. Like, art as a metaphor for sex, power, happiness, etc.
🔥1 ❗️2
Rosa Sanchez
Selfish, artsy men—a tale as old as time.
❗️2
Rosa Sanchez
Did anyone else find it odd that the narrator doesn’t have a name?
Ariana Marsh
I wondered if she did that so that readers could more seamlessly see themselves in her. Or to show that this is a pretty universal story—parts of it at least.
❤️2 💖1
Rosa Sanchez
Agree, Ariana. It felt more like a very honest journal entry, less like a made-up story.
💯1
I would recommend this book! It gets you thinking about what relationships mean and what each one of us looking for.
Joel Calfee
I would recommend this book too! I’d just probably tell someone that it didn’t turn out to be exactly what I expected, and it reads somewhat like a memoir. But, I think it definitely raises a lot of interesting questions about modern dating and our evolving attitudes around monogamy!
💖3
Kristina Ang
Guys, when I told my BF I was reading this book and what it was about, he was worried it would make me desire an open relationship, lol.
😂1 😭2
Rosa Sanchez
Dead. The author said in an interview that the men she knows who read the book thought it was really sad?
❗️1
Maybe for Paul, lol.
😂2
Joel Calfee
OMG, that’s so interesting, lmao.
Our Bazaar Book Chat pick for March is Stag Dance by Torrey Peters. Pick up your copy of the book here, and read along with us.
